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We finally bought the car, and got it home, the Mitsubishi Pajero is ours!

Like everything in Australia “The Cheapest Cars in Town” in Ferntree Gully, Victoria, is aptly and very accurately named. As was the owner of the car yard: Shane.

Shane is a really nice guy, and an archetypal Australian to boot. Firstly, he very clearly loves his motors, but there are several other reasons why he represents most ordinary Aussies, he:

• Possesses the deepest chestnut tan I have ever seen;
• has three caravans (something of an Australian dream);
• says things like “moi” and “woi” (instead of my and why);
• has never been abroad – indeed, he delighted in telling us “the only time I’ve ever been overseas I went to Phillip Island.” Which was extremely shrewd on his part as Phillip Island can be accessed by an hours drive… and a bridge.
• Likes his hobbies like he likes his cars: with motors in them. We learned that he enjoys motorbiking; 4X4ing; speed-boating; jet-skiing; you get the idea…
• can chat

Indeed he can chat. But, after many bad experiences, I place him in the top category of Australian car dealer. There are a few types, and I’ll start from the bottom:

Aussie Car Dealer Classification Types

Lastly, we have The Desperate, Circling, Shark, he:

• is 18-35 years
• is probably divorced or cheats on his spouse;
• really wants to make that sale;
• he does not own the car yard;
• works on commission;
• will pounce on you as soon as you even look at a car in his yard – often pushing past the more friendly-looking older dealer

He will offer you:

• A banger;
• a car without a RWC (roadworthy(ness?) certificate) which you have to pay to get ‘done up’ to pass one;
• something entirely unsuitable – because he doesn’t have what you want at all, but still really wants to make that sale;
• anything slightly over your suggested budget

Next, and only marginally better, there is The My-New-Best-Mate, who:

• is 30+ married with children and having an affair;
• may have an interest in the car yard (e.g. a partner or director);
• really wants to make that sale;
• eyes you from the PortaCabin and sleazes over soon after you enter the yard;
• will lead with a joke (I’ll provide an example below);
• will yell over to other similar types around the yard “how much rego does this have, Paul?” or “wasn’t it a lady who brought us this one, Mick?” even though you didn’t ask him;
• won’t leave you alone.

He will offer you:

• That car he has been trying to shift all year;
• to “go halves” on the doing-up costs to get the car on the road;
• Anything other than what you want, as long as it could, without too much embellishment, have at some stage in its long life have “made the fellas wink and the ladies swoon” or similar;

One ‘joke’ we were given was this:

We wandered into a smallish car yard, where we were greeted by the ‘owner’ (minor partner at best) who emerged from his caravan office as we entered and was (probably) holding a chamois leather. After telling him what we wanted (which I had already seen he didn’t have) he said “right, I’ll show you a couple you’d like.” Then, with all the comedy timing of a used car dealer, he said “I’ll just grab my sunnies” as he did a stage walk back towards the office (portacabin) then quickly went “oh, no, they’re on my head.” Which was oh, so funny.

The best group is that which Shane belongs to, and we only found two (including Shane) who fit this type – The Decent Guy, they:

• are married, with children and love their family;
• have a son/understudy who they work with every day and will, one day, inherit the empire;
• talk straight
• love to bargain, but don’t like annoying people

they will offer you:

• what you ask for, or something very near; or
• directions to where you might find what you need.

That is it. These guys are the type of people you always get your car from. I mean, if he lives nearby, you’ll buy every car you ever own through him. They don’t teach that, certainly not at the how-to-force-a-sale-on-someone school of car dealing that most of the salesmen went to.

Anyhow, enough of the car dealer classification.

Shane himself proved to be such a nice guy by his enthusiasm. He told us all sorts of stuff about himself and, though at first I thought he may be spinning a yarn, it turns out that he actually has a Pajero. In fact, even after we’d struck a deal he continued to tell us what a work horse it was, “moine is a toatal dawg though” he told us “not loike this beauty” he also explained how he had “knocked down trees with it” and how “it starts first time, every time, even after 6 months without using it” as well as informing us that he has “ripped of the front wing and toied it up with electrical woire, and she still goes great!” Given that his Pajero is older than the one we bought, has many more kilometers on the clock, and is willfully mistreated, all of this was good to hear: the Pajero should get us round Australia in one piece.

Which begs one question. Where are we going?

Everywhere.

Pretty much. I’m hoping to get a map up on the site, with a little red line, Indiana Jones style, to show roughly where we are heading! I’ll probably put it where the webcam page is because we won’t be able to use one on the road. I’ll also get some photos of the car up online ASAP (i.e. when the sun comes out).

However, the buying did not stop there. No. We then had to sort out some form of living accommodation, and, after testing whether I can lie comfortably in the back of the Pajero (with the back door shut, being 6′5″, I can’t), settled on a tent. So we had to get a tent and all the various bits and pieces related to that: chargeable lights; sleeping bags; an inflatable mattress; an electric inverter to turn cigarette lighter 12v into normal plug electric for charging laptops, phones and batteries for camera etc etc. We bought all of that gear from a couple of shops and also got some water carrying devices and fuel jerries for long trips desertwards. We even got a fridge for the car.

What I really want is a rooftop tent that goes onto a roof-rack and just flips open. They are awesome, but pretty expensive, so I thought of something… If you are reading this and you make or sell such rooftop tents, feel free to donate me a rooftop tent (or just give Rob a dollar (or pound) to help me buy one) to the usual address. A little bit in the style of Challenge Anneka, you will get lots of plaudits for donating such worthwhile kit to such a worthwhile donee. Furthermore, everyone who reads this blog, most of whom love to travel Australia, will know you are stand-up fellows, who sell top-notch camping apparel.

That’s it for now though chaps. Though, I have been thinking this week – after I had an epiphany on the toilet – and I may just have come up with what I am going to do for the rest of my life (or at least the next several years), a small concern I know, but more on that later.