Rugby Jokes
As a fair chunk of people have been coming to this site looking for “Rugby Jokes” - following the few poor efforts I had made during the 2007 Rugby World Cup, I have decided to give these people what they are so clearly looking for: the most comprehensive collection of funny rugby jokes available anywhere on the internet.
Feel free to share them with your friends using the ’share this’ button at the bottom…
Stupid Wingers
The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.
The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, “We’re going down. There’s only four parachutes! Since I’m the pilot I’m taking one,” and then jumps from the plane.
The coach says, “Without me the team won’t have a chance, so I’m taking one,” and he jumps out.
The winger says, “I’m the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can’t win a game, so I’m taking one,” and he jumps out of the plane.
The club president looks at the prop and says, “You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me”. The prop responds, “We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back.”
Ugly Rugger Buggers
Rugby player: “Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” Doctor: “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
Jumping Wallabies
In 1983 3 kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, “You weren’t supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I’ll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you’re flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be.”
The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts “Lawyer” and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts “brain surgeon” and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering “stupid clumsy arsehole.” 20 years later, he’s playing the back line for the Wallabies.
Pearly Gates
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
“Well,” said the ref, “I was reffing a game between Northern Transvaal and Natal at Loftus Versveld. Northerns were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try.”
“OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book.” says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says “Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?”
The ref looked at his watch and replied “45 seconds ago.”
For the Love of Rugby
There’s a man sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals, but amazingly, there’s an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: “Do you mind if I sit here?”
“No, not at all,” replies the first man. “It’s my wife’s seat, but she died recently..”
“So why didn’t you get one of your family to come,” asks the second man out of curiosity.
“They’re all at the funeral.”
Some Shorties:
Why don’t rugby players have mid-life crisises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
Why do rugby players like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do people tend to hate Australian Rugby players on sight?
Because it saves time.
Rugby player in Chinese restaurant:
“Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy.”
Waiter: “That’s because they’re the chopsticks, sir.”
A man went to the doctor one day and said: “I’ve just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt.” So the doctor said: “You’ve broken your finger.”
Second rugby player in restaurant:
“Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy.” Waiter: “That’s because they’re pickled onions, sir.”
Most of these are pinched from somewhere else. Feel free to add your own!
Links:
There is a new Australian Wine, Pom Victoire, made from pure sour graps, 100pc proof, brewed in France, available from Down Underwins and Thrasher’s.
Matured over several years, this robust performer has been enjoyed by the English for some time. Australians may find it hard to swallow due to its bitter aftertaste, which can last for four years or more. Best served cold with humbled pie or barbecued wings.
There is a new South African beer for the English to enjoy: Bokke Sprinsation, brewed on Table Mountain from bad English Hops, Bitter with a dash of Depressed.